By and copyright of Owen Quinn author of the Time Warriors and Zombie Blues
“I got outside and realised I only had my hospital gown on which promptly fell off because it wasn’t tied at the back. I was naked…almost. When they do an operation like this, you’re fitted with a catheter. So there I am, naked as the day I was born with a big frigging catheter hanging between my legs. I am scundered, I thought to myself. I tried to remove it but my zombie fingers wouldn’t work.”For far too long zombies have been seen as the monsters they are not so it’s time for a few changes! Welcome to Zombie Blues where you will discover what really goes on behind those dead eyes and shuffling walk. You will meet ten different zombies each with a story to tell. From Vegetarian Zombie to Kidney Trans[plant Zombie to The Zombie who would be King, you will reevaluate everything you thought you knew about the undead. You will finally get to hear their side of the story. What lies behind their tears and how did the apocalypse really begin? Enter if you dare because everything you knew about zombies is about to change.
IRONY ZOMBIE
My mother always said that social media would be the death of me and sure enough, she was right. Worse still, it was a female pensioner that did it. I wouldn’t mind but how embarrassing to be turned by a shuffling old timer that I never even saw coming. I still can’t believe I’m going to say it.
I was bitten by the only pensioner in the world that still had her own teeth.
Sorry, meant to say I’m a zombie and before you all run screaming holding your brains, just hear me out. Nobody listens to our story. And let me tell you, there’s a hell of a lot of prejudice towards the living dead. Just because the world has gone undead, doesn’t mean our ability to judge and be prejudice has gone away.
Zombies are just the latest victims of human nature. One minute it’s the colour of someone’s skin and now it’s rotting zombie flesh people have a problem with. Although I do have an issue with that label, zombie, but I’ll come back to it. Let me tell you how it all began.
I’m Simon (yeah Simon the zombie, laugh it up fuzzball), 24, single and just like a lot of great romances, it all began at a bus stop.
It was a Thursday morning. I was going to work as a trainee manager for a big chain supermarket (do promo laws count now, dunno, not sure, brains). Dreary, boring and most of my time spent wishing I lived another life. Well as they say, be careful what you wish for. There I was standing waiting for the bus, headphones on in my virtual Facebook world with Miley Cyrus singing in my ears. I have to point out though before you make assumptions that I have no idea how she ended up in my music library. Just so you all know, I’ve never twerked before.
Anyway, the bus was late and you know that feeling that there’s something out of the corner of your eye but you don’t really pay attention? You know those videos you see where people fall into fountains or walk into a lamppost because they have their head buried in their phones rather than looking at the world around them. If you think about it, we were already zombies before the outbreak. We were mindless automatons who spent most of our time on social media. We couldn’t even go for a meal with someone without our phones in our hands in case there was some amazing thing posted on Facebook. Well, that was me. Social media killed us long before the zombies did.
I was half aware of a figure approaching but my brain didn’t register it because it was a bus stop after all.
Then there was pain. A little old lady (I use that word loosely in retrospect) had bitten into my arm just above the elbow. My first thought was my best suit was ruined but the sight of blood seeping through quickly wiped that thought from my mind.
The Time Warriors and Beyond 