By and copyright of Owen Quinn author of the Time Warriors and Zombie Blues
“I got outside and realised I only had my hospital gown on which promptly fell off because it wasn’t tied at the back. I was naked…almost. When they do an operation like this, you’re fitted with a catheter. So there I am, naked as the day I was born with a big frigging catheter hanging between my legs. I am scundered, I thought to myself. I tried to remove it but my zombie fingers wouldn’t work.”For far too long zombies have been seen as the monsters they are not so it’s time for a few changes! Welcome to Zombie Blues where you will discover what really goes on behind those dead eyes and shuffling walk. You will meet ten different zombies each with a story to tell. From Vegetarian Zombie to Kidney Trans[plant Zombie to The Zombie who would be King, you will reevaluate everything you thought you knew about the undead. You will finally get to hear their side of the story. What lies behind their tears and how did the apocalypse really begin? Enter if you dare because everything you knew about zombies is about to change.
From behind me came a guttural slurping and a shambling figure dressed in nurse’s scrubs. She was hunched over, moving stiffly as if she had piles. Poor woman, I thought. I’ve never had piles myself but arse like a vineyard comes to mind; just saying.
I tried to call out and found I heard the same sounds she was making coming out of me. She twisted upon hearing me and I couldn’t believe it. It was a frigging zombie! But that was impossible so it had to be a really drunk nurse.
Well that’s it, I thought to myself, they’ve frigging overdosed me and I’m hallucinating.
I see undead people. Jesus, that’s all I need.
Not even a bit of spliff would make you see that.
The nurse gurgled something then walked or rather shuffled on.
That’s it, I thought. That’s why I’m on my own. They all got pissed when I was asleep and they’re all lying blocked somewhere. That nurse is probably away to throw up somewhere. I’ll be suing, I vowed, I bloody will. The NHS is getting beyond a joke.
I had to move. If I could even find a wheelchair to get back to the ward and find help, I’d be alright.
I braced myself to move, knowing full well I’d probably be in agony with the wound. I managed to get on my side with surprisingly no effort and was able to swing my legs off the bed. I felt a jolt as I slipped off the bed and onto the cold clinical floor.
Well, that was easier than I thought, I reasoned. It must be a very high dose where I can’t feel pain. Bet when it wears off, I’ll be in so much frigging pain I’ll be crying. I needed to get back to the ward as soon as possible before I collapsed somewhere. I staggered to the doors and pushed them open.
All I saw were blood stains and bodies among which shuffled the odd drooling zombie. Something at that point told me I wasn’t hallucinating after all. Every zombie movie swam through my head. Stab them in the head. Damn, I better get a big scalpel from somewhere or out shuffle them; that would be good too.
I got past the first one and to my surprise, it ignored me just like the nurse had done. That was good. That was one step closer to home. My mind was reeling from the drugs but I needed to move faster. I tried but staggered into the closest wall.
Suddenly my brain exploded as the true nature of what had happened flooded my brain. What the hell did Mother Nature do? I don’t even like chicken! What about my second chance at life? All my plans were screwed! I’m a frigging zombie! A FRIGGING ZOMBIE!!
The Time Warriors and Beyond 