By and copyright of Owen Quinn author of the Time Warriors and Zombie Blues
The zombie rollercoaster continues as the undead continue to give us their view of being a rotting corpse under the control of Mother Nature.
This time round we meet Comic Book zombie and the zombie who thinks the ending of Toy Story 3 is sacrilege. What happens when a zombie’s faith in God is rocked to its very foundation and why is the spirit of Elvis Presley still going strong in the vast
roaming herds?
A zombie tells why the covid pandemic was much preferable to being undead and why having a club foot makes you feel normal as a zombie. Plus more zombie characters than you can shake a stick at.
Available on Amazon now!
I F***ing Love It Zombie
Don’t listen to any of them yappy crying bastards you have already met so far lads and lasses.
Being a zombie is bloody brilliant. I fucking love it!
How cool is this? We get to ramble at our own pace the entire country without restraint where we like and we retain our human minds. We are suddenly weatherproof, don’t feel pain and don’t have to go to the toilet any more. Do you know what a design flaw that is for humans? How many times have you had to hold it during a great movie because if you moved you would miss something? Despite both your bladder and bowel groaning at you to let them empty you are stuck where you are. Plus last time I bedded a girl I had to suddenly piss before I could even cum; not ideal when she’s hot and horny.
None of that happens any more. It’s such a bloody relief. The rest of the deep fried corpses whine and complain about their woes and this terrible tragic thing that has become of them as one of the undead but what a load of crap they’re feeding you. They can argue and recall all they want about their woes and how awful it is they were cruelly ripped away from their lives by Mother Nature. Oh no, we are only to live so long as zombies they cry. You know what? We only had so long to live as humans plus your life span was determined by an eternal rat race that made you consume fast food because the lunch hours were reduced to half hours. Worse than that if your workload was way too much then you had no time for lunch at all. Your gut wrenching bosses wear you down with targets and workloads that take longer than the eight hours you are supposed to work per day. So consumed are you at keeping that wage so the bank doesn’t take the house and keeping the mewling mouths of your brats spawned with someone you don’t even love after a too much alcohol romp ensures your work becomes part of your home life. All boundaries of work life balance evaporates when that happens.
Your life is spent trying to ensure Christmas is a magical time for ungrateful kids that get things too easily these days and appreciate nothing. They have to have the most expensive phone, the most up to date games console and the poor saps buy it for them no matter what the cost or how far into debt they have to go because we are now a material world of keeping up with the Jones. Let me tell you folks; the Smiths were well on their way to an early mass grave and for what? All for that magic Kodak moment of the smiling child that disguises the fact Mummy or Daddy are developing health issues for that Disney home life that doesn’t really exists.
My Mum was a strong single parent and did a great job. She taught me life is too short and that my Dad was a waste of space. He didn’t want to know when she told him she was pregnant mostly because he didn’t want his clueless faithful wife to know for some strange reason. Yeah it takes two to tango but at least my Mum never shirked her responsibilities. She worked full time in a supermarket as a cashier and shelf stacker to give us a home. My aunts and uncles took care of me when her shifts fell outside school hours because that’s what family does. On many nights she came home so tired and deflated mum was on the verge of collapse but she always made time for me. I never went without, was never hungry and was never cold. We didn’t have very much but we were comfortable. Deadbeat dad came about when I was eight but he was soon sent on his way when Mum found out.
Several times coming home from school I noticed a dark navy car parked across the road. I usually walked home from school every day so when you do that the route becomes ingrained in your head. Instinct and muscle memory and all that. Ever find yourself driving but not really concentrating?
All of a sudden you realise you’re going a familiar route somewhere like work without even thinking? It’s like that. I could simply close my come to bed hazel eyes and let my feet do the walking. Kind of like now as a zombie dude.
Anyway I noticed the same car at certain points on the route home. The glint of a mobile phone in the sunlight caught my attention. With all of Mum’s warnings about strangers and bad men screaming in my head I whipped out my phone and took a photo back. A split second later I took off down the road like a terrified rabbit fleeing hunting dogs.
Taking one look at my photo my Mum’s pursed her lips hardened into a determined expression. I knew she knew exactly who my stalker was but instead of screaming blue murder my master schemer Mum hatched a plan worthy of a TV detective.
The Time Warriors and Beyond 