By Owen Quinn author of the Time Warriors and Zombie Blues
More Zombies, more trouble. Welcome to book 2 of Zombie Blues who give us their view on the world and life from behind undead eyes. This time round meet Diabetic Zombie, Racist Zombie, the Ice Queen and why is there a zombie with no teeth?
Now available on Amazon
What a bitch to be a zombie with no teeth! But is everything as it seems? Read No Denture’s Zombie in Zombie Blues 2
Cover by Conaire McMullan
No Dentures Zombie
Here, wait til I tell ya something. Up until this bloody people coming back from the dead bollocks, the closest thing I ever got to something undead was the plucked foreskin coloured chicken in the fridge for the Sunday dinner.
Now, I’m wandering the roads like something that fell out of a pub after fifteen pints. Normally I wouldn’t mind, it’s not the first road I’ve walked drunk or sober. I had to walk four miles every day to work, rain and shine to feed my kids. The difference is I’m frigging eighty one. Can someone with a brain please tell me what in Jesus’ name would thon green haired bitch Mother Nature, need with a pensioner zombie?
My bunions would be killing me if I could feel them plus I’m in my zebra patterned slippers I got for a fiver from the wee, cheap shoe shop in Castle Street. Add to that I’m wearing my pink and grey floral dress with my matching coal fluffy cardigan because at my age the once powerful veins are thinning and every day is bloody freezing. When it rains it clings to my ample frame like a Free Willy tribute show. My fashion sense is being ruined by this frigging weather. My perm and all’s ruined; twelve bloody quid with pensioner rates that cost me. Now I’m hanging like something that was twice dragged through the hedge backwards. These days I’m more badger’s arse than glamorous granny or my case great granny. I can’t even go to bingo any more; Jesus, the indignity of it all.
Mother Nature destroyed the Belfast bingo halls!
Life’s tough enough without having no bingo to go to even if it does smell of piss and death. It used to smell of smoke too but they stopped indoor smoking so you have to stand outside now; frigging health huggers spoiling my fun. Winter nights do nothing for my hip and other aches and pains despite smelling the ten grand jackpot in my grasp.
If only I had thon green haired bitch Mother Nature by her turkey neck throat right now, I’d slap the mouth clean off her.
My Jimmy would be scundered if he could see me now. I wish I had just died of natural causes like I was supposed to instead of ending up like this graveyard reject. At least then I’d be with my beloved Jimmy.
At the end of the day what was that scraggy bitch thinking? I understand she is angry at humanity for hurting her planet but in the name of God ,somebody tell me one thing.
What use is a zombie with no teeth?
My dentures fell out when I turned and it’s not as if I could put them back in with these undead arthritic fingers. They did fall out once at Christmas dinner when I sneezed. It was either buy the veg for the dinner or a tube of Fixodent. I’m as much use as tits on a bull. What does Mother Nature want me to do now?
Suck people to death? Death by gumming?
I need a tramodol to tell this story; even as a zombie I have a headache. I usually share tablets with Lizzy from bingo but she was eaten. She used to walk round with a handbag like a chemist’s shop. No matter what ailment took you, Lizzy had a tablet for every occasion at the ready. Her handbag is still sitting beside her favourite chair in her living room but sure, this bloody zombie body doesn’t even have the sense to let me grab a few. It’s not as if Lizzy will need them any time soon. She died with a fish supper on her lap, mug of tea like varnish and two rounds of buttered bread for butties. I may not feel my aches and pains as much as I used to but I need something to calm my nerves.
I suppose it’s a good job now my weak bladder isn’t an issue. I don’t have to run to the loo every ten minutes (when I actually made it to the loo that is) or buy them perfume scented knicker pads any more. I used to pretend they were for Lizzy to the girl at the checkout. I’ll tell you something few know but you look like honest folk so I know it won’t go any further. There is something else I don’t miss at all. When I got an itchy bum I couldn’t get round for a good scratch if you know what I mean. But living on the poverty line makes you quite resourceful so I had to use a secret toothbrush. But sure I dropped it one day and Jimmy thought it was his (his cataracts were playing up at the time) and well, I’m sure you can imagine the rest. Thank God for extra minty…
The Time Warriors and Beyond 